Weekly Word Of Wisdom

"Just know that when you truly want success, you'll never give up on it. No matter how bad the situation may get."

June 25, 2013

Illness

Gummi got sick the other day, an asthma attack at daycare. ui had to leave work early to take care of him.

The story leading up to that moment is what drove me to write about it though.

I noticed that morning he had been coughing lightly, so I looked for the nebulizer, couldn't find it. Took him to daycare, clocked in, changed, and called my Grandma- she searched my apartment more thoroughly and still couldn't find it.

So I called my mom who had it last.

Turns out she had it, and instead of taking it to the daycare like I asked she dropped it off in my car, causing me to have to cut my work day in half and my kid to be sick. I was none too happy.

I haven't been writing much. I've been drawing and gaming. I've started doing actual art projects again. Like, the ones that take hours (days if you count me having to stop to take care of the kids).

I've actually been drawing more than gaming. Hmm.... anyway!

Not much else going on. Wally and I are dating again. I feel stupid about admitting this. We break up for a while, get back together for a longer while. A Little while = a day or so. But it's still painful and awful, and probably more out of him being angry than anything else. He's lacking a filter that calms him down from saying things he doesn't mean.

I guess we all are to some degree.

Plus we don't know what the fuck we're doing. It's all just a guessing game.

Guess we'll see if it was worth it all or not in the end though, won't we?

June 7, 2013

My NEW List

I have a list of summer adventures!

Maybe I haven't shared this with you, maybe I have.

I'm going to climb to the Lady of the Rockies, I'm getting my eyebrow and possibly lip pierced, I'm going to get one last small tattoo, I'm going to visit Virginia City along with some other ghost towns around our area, I'm going to Yellowstone, I'm going to the zoo, I'm going to see about getting Drummer's parental rights revoked through the court, I'm going to... well, live!

Drummer called a while ago, he blamed me for his lack of communication. When I pointed out I hadn't received any missed calls from him he laughed at me and stated that he was trying to get ahold of me via facebook.

Uh-uh, no sir.

He then said that it was perfectly alright for him to message me on a social site and that I had to unblock him. LOL no.

Also, on the Wally front, I backed off a ton after his last nasty text messages.

He sent me some really sweet text notes (I'm the prettiest girl he's ever loved, he still loves me, we're just so compatible, etc) and... well, I caved. We had sex, we went out on a date.

I can't help it.

I love him. And hey, it's not like we've ever had this kind of relationship before. We're just guessing our way through it all. But it's been almost a year, that's a good sign right? We've made it 1/4 of the way my marriage did. From what I can tell, we're doing eons better.

But this last break up has seriously helped me back off. I want to propose and marry him, but I'm gong to let him decide when that happens. I'm not going to do it anymore. I want to start talking about babies, I want to be pregnant, but I'm not mentioning it anymore. I'll wait for him to bring it up. I'm not going to mention sex (which has been basically non-existant for the last month or so). He knows I'm always available. I've mentioned my plans, I won't pressure him about asking for the time off so we can share that time together.

Basically I've stopped trying to sell myself. It's up to him to claim this prize.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me with this revelation. I'm sure I'm going to need to revisit this moment again a few times in life, but for now I feel less pressure to be on point. And I'm sure he feels less pressure to be always called upon and nagged.

Took us long enough.

May 30, 2013

Bad Days Like This

Wally dumped me, my mothers brother-in-law killed himself, and Drummer called me to bitch me out about him not calling in the last few months.

Wally and I haven't been out in three weeks. We haven't had sex in three weeks. I kept putting myself aside for him:

It's okay if we don't go out, you're working on your car. I understand.

It's okay if you don't want to have sex... again. No pressure, no guilt trips...

... Don't you miss me?

... Don't you still love me?

Why don't you let me know how you feel about me?

Why don't we go out? No... oh... okay. I guess.

Wanna do something? Wanna come over *wink* No... I'm guilt tripping you and pushing you away... somehow... Oh... Okay.

And then today he explodes at me. And then later today he says he needs a break and that I have to find someone else.

Okay.

And then he tells me we can still be friends. No hard feelings.

And because I'm still in love, because I miss him like crazy, because what I feel for him if more powerful than what he felt for me...

Okay.

And in that moment I saw the future we planned with one another flying out the window. Everything we were gunna do, Yellowstone, Virginia City, the Montana Zoo... all gone. visiting my grandparents, going to LA, seeing Humboldt... all gone. Our future home together, our children, our marriage... Because what I felt for him was stronger than what he felt for me. Because I loved a broken man with everything I had, and he never opened up enough to let me in.

And I still love him.

The worst part, it was over a text message.

My Mom calls me during my work break, before Wally ends it- and tells me, hysterical that her fiancee's brother died and trying to tell me through the sobs and hiccups that I need to take care of J and S tonight.

And then at about 7:30 Drummer calls, I don't recognize the number (surprise, surprise he changed it again) and his voice mail is nasty and annoyed. And I'm spent.

I'm done with life for now. I've set some goals to give me my freedom and over Wally, to strengthen me. Hopefully this works.

May 28, 2013

The Blues

I've been feeling pretty down lately. For a multitude of reasons I don't really care to list right now because on top of all of it, I'm extremely sleep deprived.

May 27, 2013

Things I Need

So yesterday I said I'd post the list of things I say to myself when I start feeling insecure or start to chase down the affection I deserve, or even (don't judge me) try to prove to someone else that I am worthy of their emotions.

I know, I know. But it's on my list!



I am not jealous.
I am sweet, intelligent, beautiful and kind
I deserve all his attention and affection. No matter what.
If he doesn't want me, it's HIS loss, not mine.
I am not inferior.
I have no competition
I do not need to earn love.
I CAN NOT be compared to other women.
I am perfect and wonderful just the way I am.
I can handle it.
I am love when everything/one else is hate.
I am STRONG.
 Any man is lucky to have me. If he doesn't see that, it's HIS fault.



And there you are. that's my list. The latest one is actually shorter. It always seems to grow, but that's okay because with a few glances I have boosted my self confidence. Usually there's always one or two lines that stick out to me for the day and I cling to that like a drowning man to a life line.

This is my list. I challenge you to make your own and share at one line from it that means the most to you in the comments below.

May 26, 2013

Romance

It seems to be a topic I write about often. Love, romance, those tickely feelings way down in the base of your stomach...

And maybe I don;t want to write about it anymore because it hurts and it's confusing and it's lonely. Maybe I don't want to write about it because it's wonderful and healing and fulfilling...

Maybe it's because no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I never seem to win in love. I'm crazy about Wally, truly I am... but lately everything we do is a fight. We haven't had sex in almost three weeks. He's not even interested in me like that anymore I don't think. He makes zero effort to be with me these days. He doesn't flirt with me...

Yesterday he was mad at me because of a conversation we had over the phone, but he left out a huge chunk and convinced himself he's tired of me. I just don't know what to do anymore. This hurts, and I don't want to hurt. He's ignoring me again. I hate being ignored. Hate. It.

I'm not huge into astrology, but he's a Taurus all the way through. If you've ever watched Fruits Basket you'd know about Haru, White and Black Haru (based on his mood swings, not his heritage or hair color, or even clothing options). Wally is the definition of that. Right now he's Black Wally. Moody, aggressive, standoffish, almost cruel.

But I can handle it. I'm a very loving and patient person after all, it's just when he gets like this I'm not sure what he'll do. He pushes me away, he's so distant... and it scares me that he'll find someone else in that time frame who appeals to him with the same intense, butterfly way I used to.

So to help curb my insecurities when he's like this I've made myself a list of attributes and promises I've made, and little chants to hold on to when it's getting hard, to help me let go of my anxieties. And for the most part they work. I have to read them several times a day sometimes, recite them in my head over and over, but there's just something about seeing words on paper that gives them power, a sort of magic if you will.

I'll list them tomorrow.

May 25, 2013

Howdy-Ho!

So get this, last week my phone went kaput. It was stuck in landscape mode, wouldn't answer calls and completely froze when someone did call me. I have to do a factory reset, lost all my saved accounts, phone numbers, etc etc. Hell, even my text screen would freeze and I'd have to shut off my phone.

Anyway, it's been crazy. I'm working almost all opening shifts, which means I'm exhausted by the end of the day. I haven't made any progress in my story because I dislike this new chapter. I'm thinking of deleting it. Starting over.

Just my current chapter, not the whole story. Also was introduced to a couple new "bands"... artists more like. Mind Tree who did (some?) of the sound track for the game Element4l. And then Wally showed me Aphex Twin. I listened to their song "Rhubarb" and I can just see Chelsea and what's left of the war party standing in the midst of a devastated New York, bodies, blasts, crumbling and burning buildings... and there they are, defeated, discouraged... standing in the middle of all this chaos, their loss being rubbed into their wounds like so much acid.

He said it reminds him of Chernobyl.



Listen to it, I'd love to know what it makes you see/feel when you hear it.

May 11, 2013

I Hate My Kids

Today has been the day that is just one of those grit my teeth and bear it days.

And today has been an "I hate my kids" day.

And today has been an "I hate my boyfriend" day.

It started off with a nightmare about him cheating- because I have a stupid irrational fear that no one will love me and eventually he will cheat and so it spawns itself in my dreams. And I approached him very wrong about it. And was very accusatory. And he became defensive and we had a stupid fight.

We're better now, he called me honey, he didn't apologize for the mean things he said- but he never does.

This morning the boys snuck out of their room early without waking me up and smeared chocolate syrup all over the carpets and drew in pink and green sharpie on the walls. They also climbed up onto my shelves and got my fabric marker out. And threw away a whole container of my tea, and got into the kid vitamins.

This afternoon they snuck into my room while I was washing dishes and got into my home-made heating bags (socks with rice in them). they were double layered and tied, but still found a ridiculously large trail from the living room, down the hall, into my bedroom and all over my bedding.

While I was cleaning that up the ran into the kitchen, climbed up on the counter and snuck a thing of oreos into their play room and destroyed the entire bag.

I'm at my wits end, I have a headache, I want to cry, I have been crying because of the stress and the guilt from the feelings I have towards my children...

But basically- I hate them. I mean, I love them, even when they're bad boys. I tell them this every night before bed with hugs and kisses, but today that love has been tested and it is strained. The sight of them, the sound of their baby voices annoys me. Pisses me off.

And I feel so guilty about it... but I can't handle them today. I just can't.

May 3, 2013

Another Day

Another post about my story. This is to inform you all that I've finished chapter 2. I'm so much more pleased with how it is progressing thus far, though, as I've said, I still have many more edits to go.

Also I'm thinking about proposing to Wally. A small part of me is tired of waiting, but a larger part knows that I usually rush things like this and I need to wait for him to be ready. So I'm waiting. But for the last month or so I've been semi-fantasizing about it. Which I hope means it's happening soon. but I can wait. I have to wait.

At least until August, which will mark our 1 year anniversary. I also am dying to be pregnant. Oh. My. GOD do I want another baby.

But these things must wait. Sadly. Anyway, here's chapter 2. Please read. Any input is appreciated.

May 2, 2013

My Loves!

I have been busy with gaming- Team Fortress 2, ftw!! I'm a sniper, he's fun. Also going through my book and editing the chapters. I had forgotten how much work the creative process was. I realize now, as this is my second time editing the chapters, that I still have another 3-4 edits to go before I can think of handing it over to an editor.

The good thing of all this is that the story moves at a much smoother pace thus far, the events don't happen so quickly because I'm not vomiting all my ideas out as quickly as possible before they disappear. I like to think of it like paving a road.

You dig everything up and it's a mess, you go through once and straighten out all the bumps, again to pave the road and once more to clean the debris. Whatever I miss in this process will be caught by an outside party that doesn't have the emotional connection I do.

Anyway, here (once again) is a link to my story. I am busy recreating chapters, so I'll just send you to chapter one, which is the only one I've fixed thus far. I have to write a completely new chapter 2, so I'm in the middle of that transitional phase. About 1,000 words in after just one evening. Very pleased with where this is going now. I plan on sticking to a much more strict character profile. My main male protagonist had a sudden and shocking (I felt) change of heart that didn't play well with his character and morphed him into something I didn't want him to yet be.

Things with Wally and I are going well. We're learning about one another. It's a thrilling experience, heart wrenching, wonderful and awful all at the same time. I'm in love with him in such a way that I've never understood before.

I want to integrate him into our family. Gummi and Jelly love him like crazy, they lose their minds when they see him. To them, he is their dad. But I don't think he's ready for that step yet. From what I've gathered (and I could be dead wrong) he thinks he'll screw up being a role model. He's told me that he's ready to provide, but he just meant in the financial sense. I know once he has a child of his own or allows the boys to bond with him things will change- but at the same time I can see why he would be hesitant.

But I want him here so badly! I want him to be the one my kids call Daddy, I want him to be the father and husband in our family photos, and I want! LOL, I'm greedy I guess.

...

No. I'm in love. And I want him to love everything about me in return. My children included, because honestly, if I knew now what I did then, I wish it were him. Everyday I wish it were Wally who had been there, Wally who had knocked me up. Guess I have it pretty bad.

But it feels so good too.